Science. Who is she? Where does she come from? All these unanswered questions permeate my brain as I look into my soup. It’s the seasonal one from Panera, and it’s darn good. But back to science: what is it, really? Is it simply mixing two elements together and hoping they don’t explode? Or is it the way your tear ducts bring forth water every time you read my articles? (Hint: It’s both).
After drink-eating my soup, I realized science surrounds us at all times. If this is true, then people must feel some sort of way about it. That means more content for me to scrounge from the people of Highland Park. Before we begin, however, I would like to warn you that I am not a professional scientist, nor should you take any of my advice ever. I know you all look to me as a guiding, almost spiritual figure. However, I am only human, and I too make mistakes. Just not very offen.
And we’re off to the science wing! One speculative pupil logically posited, “When I feel something in my heart of hearts and science disproves that, maybe I’m disproving science.” Listen, if that one guy didn’t feel like the world was round then we would all still be living on an Earth as flat as Flat Stanley, and he’s real flat. Sometimes our intuition is better than anything we learn in school. And sometimes it’s much, much worse. For example, my intuition told me to drink-eat all this soup. In reality, however, my body is forsaking it. My advice? Don’t drink so much soup.
Another analytical attendee answered my question with another question. How scientific. “You know that picture of a monkey evolving into a human? Everyone thinks that’s real, but that’s not how evolution works!” What. If we’re not straight-up evolved monkeys, then why can I communicate with all of the orangutans at the zoo through eye contact alone? Riddle me that, science boy. I would still like to believe a couple thousand years ago small half-monkey half-men were running around. You can believe there weren't, but hey, science is relative. I’m pretty sure Einstein said that. Don’t look it up.
And for our finale, we get to hear from one of our very own swagged-out biology teacher Mr. Kruger. When asked what his hot takes on science were, he simply stated, “Everybody is essentially a scientist, even if they don’t realize it.” Even though I prefer the term ‘natural philosopher,’ I appreciate his wholesome and inspiring sentiment.
With that, everyone should now be confident to go out there and do some science. Cook, dance, or simply go to sleep, it’s all science here. Or you could, ya know, study for your actual science class, but where’s the fun in that? And Fling editors, here’s a hypothesis: if you give me more soup then I will write more articles because I will not be hungry. Please, I have a thirst and hunger only soup can quench. Primordial soup, that is.