Oh jeepers, do you hear that? Bzzt bzzt. Is that the sound of your parents wishing you were never born? No, that’s not right… Oh god, it’s so so much worse. It’s a bug. I would not consider myself a hateful person, nor would I say I enjoy kicking a man when he’s already down. I would even go as far as to say that I relish the act of advocating for the little guy. But when the little guy is some sort of spider or really anything that goes under the label insect, bug, or arachnid, hey, I’m going to end its life. Ok, that’s a lie, I’m going to ask my mom to end its life. It’s like a reverse Gypsy Rose situation. I’m sorry, I truly am, but something about those little freaks makes me want to peel my skin off, and not in the cute way. It's either me or them, and I need to provide entertainment to the people. Recently, however, I've been feeling guilty about my detestation of bugs. More times than not they're not hurting anyone, they're just yucky. Hence, as any normal person, I turned to the public to get my hatred validated.
The first buzzing disciple I discovered exclaimed, "Oh, I would 100% eat bugs," after asking them their thoughts on the little pests. Hey, that wasn't really my question, but let's talk about it. Bugs like crickets, mealworms, and cicadas are common delicacies in many parts of the world. They provide a similar amount of protein as other meats while producing a fraction of the environmental harm the meat industry creates. Source? You don't need a source. You know you trust everything I say. I bet if I said the world is round you would believe me. I even watched a 20-minute video of a man telling me how to prepare bugs in different ways. Does that mean I, specifically, will be eating a bug steak anytime soon? Well, I can lie to myself and say I'm cool and adventurous and would totally try a brick of salted cricket, but in the moment, when it becomes the real deal, I'm not sure I could do it. Maybe I'm just not man enough, but maybe that's ok. It's 2024, let's normalize cowardice.
Another scuttling student I stumbled upon said, "Too many people think it's ok to kill bugs. Just because they're gross doesn't mean they should die, especially when they're a crucial part of the environment." Boohoo, wah-wah, etc. All I’m hearing is you drink soy milk and cry a lot. Is it true that without insects, every species would decimate within approximately 2 months, as foretold by BBC Science Focus? Probably, as I’d trust the British media with my life, but they give me the willies, so who is really to say if they should live or die? The only acceptable bug in my book is a snail because they move real slow and they have a tiny handle to pick them up. The Fling editor-in-chief may say, “They’re not bugs, they’re mollusks,” but I don’t really talk to nerds, so munch on that.
Bzzt bzzt. Curses, he’s back. I get my PPE (Personal Protective Equipment) on so I can battle this buffoon, however, as I prepare to decimate him, I stop. His eyes encompass a look so familiar—so incredibly tender and compassionate, I finally understand: He is me and I am him. I fetch a cup and paper and release him outdoors to live without the constraints of a home. Are you proud, Coyote Peterson? Anyways! As always, stay bugging. Or don't. I don't really care.