Hello, pet. It’s been a while.
As a youth, the only thing I wanted was a pet, and also, of course, a Club Penguin membership, but mostly it was the pet thing. Something about having a little crony to love with my whole heart enticed me to no end. Was it because I had no human friends to cherish? I counter your question with this: What is the true meaning of friendship? And does this include friends on Club Penguin? Actually, don’t answer that. I can’t handle the truth.
Unfortunately, due to my mother’s allergies and my general incompetence, I was never allowed to live my dream of owning a pet. Fortunately for my juvenile self, many of my (very real) friends owned pets, and I could reap the rewards. I soon learned pet ownership comes with some pretty intense pet politics, especially when it comes to which animal is the best for pet-hood and why all the others are awful. Upon reflection, I knew I must take to the halls of HPHS to find the truth about which pet is indeed the best.
Our first dogmatic student declared, “The only pet I wouldn’t have is a cockroach.” A sweet sentiment, yes, but a frivolous one. I can name about 4 million different pets I wouldn’t want to have. To name a few: the Duolingo owl, a raccoon with or without rabies, any sort of dog with any sort of blog. While cockroaches do give me the heebie-jeebies, I’d much prefer them to an idiot dog who writes a blog about himself.
A second catty pupil clamored, “I think owning pets is offensive.” They explained further that it wasn’t fair for humans to imprison animals, and if we were truly fair, we would set them free. Hachi machi! Is this take hot or what? Thanks a lot, liberal public school.
Now, it is true many exotic animals, such as monkeys, big cats, and even bears are kept as personal pets in improper care, which is dangerous both for the animal and the owners. Think Doc Antle from Tiger King (outdated reference #1). Or, actually, really anyone from Tiger King. HOWEVER, cats and dogs have been domesticated for thousands of years and generally rely on humans to care for them. Please do not Harry and the Hendersons (outdated reference #2) your house pets as they are not built to survive in the wild.
Our last fishy learner fearlessly said, “I don’t really get the pet hype. Like, if you want to take care of something, adopt a child.” There are obviously differences between taking care of a pet versus a baby, like… uh… OK, I know there are differences, but I genuinely cannot think of one right now. Please just don’t adopt a baby willy-nilly. Or a pet, but definitely not a baby.
Remember when I said I was never allowed to get a pet? I lied! I once convinced my parents to get me a hamster. The sheer responsibility of taking care of another life at the ripe age of 12 horrified me so much that I hated my hamster after a week. We eventually gave him away, and Leviticus had a short but contented life at my neighbor's house. Sigh, if only my parents had adopted a baby for me to take care of instead…
Well folks, there you have it. I’ve found no truly superior pet, as everyone has different needs that must be met. Some people need the hole in their hearts filled by a dog’s love, some need it to be widened by a cat, and some people are just weird and get a snake. For now, my only pet is this article, which I nurture with the elegance of my wit and my astute considerations. Take that, Shakespeare.